Gift-wrapping Kallus
by Questar Siderial
Summary: An alternate version of Kallus' rescue in Season 3. Ezra and Sabine have infiltrated a Star Destroyer, but Grand Admiral Thrawn is cleverer than they had anticipated, and they will have to utilize all their skills to escape. A spiritual sequel to Blue-Haired Songster's "Kidnapping Kallus." Crack. Not Kalluzeb.


"So, are you the son of the Emperor's brother, or his sister?"

"Sister. Palpatine was my mother's maiden name."

Ezra Bridger strode down the sterile hall of the _Chimera_ , carefully matching his stride to that of the man beside him. Lieutenant Lyste's voice held a note of wonder as he inserted his access cylinder into the slot beside the door. "It's amazing. I thought all the Emperor's siblings died in a horrible accident decades ago."

"Err, yes. My mother died when I was very little, and it's a sensitive subject."

The Imperial officer's eyes widened. "I'm so sorry! I should have realized."

The door slid open, and Ezra stepped down into a bare room, dimly lit by red bulbs set deep into the walls. It held a single occupant, lying half-curled up in the corner. The figure lifted its head, revealing the bruised and bloodied face of Agent Kallus. His gaze locked with Ezra's, and he straightened. "What is the meaning of this?"

"It seems the Emperor has taken a personal interest in you, Kallus." Lyste leaned on the edge of the doorway. "He's ordered his nephew to deliver you to him."

Ezra cleared his throat, tried to make his voice sound appropriately regal. "That's right. My shuttle is already prepared."

"You should see it," Lyste put in. "It even has the Emperor's face painted on the nose." He straightened, motioning the prisoner out of the cell. "Get moving. We don't want to keep him waiting."

Meanwhile in the hangar bay, Sabine stared at the mural on the nose of the _Phantom,_ and allowed her worry about Ezra to override her worry about what Hera would do to her when she saw the craft. What was taking so long?

"Excuse me, cadet?"

She froze, quickly examining her reflection in the shuttle's window. After ascertaining that her brightly-colored hair was still tucked beneath the imperial cap she wore, she turned, plastering a smile on her face. "What can I do for you, trooper?"

"You, uh, you're new around here, right?" The stormtrooper shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

"Oh, I'm not assigned to the _Chimera._ I'm here with the Emperor's nephew for a prisoner transfer. We're heading out as soon as he returns."

"Oh." The stormtrooper rubbed the back of his helmet. "That's too bad."

She cocked her head. "Is it?"

"Yeah. Um, hey, so…" He coughed awkwardly, and launched into a tirade. "If you ever came around, and I know you might not, and I'd understand if you didn't want to, but if you _did_ come back and wanted to maybe take a walk around the station or something I just thought that you might do it with me." He swallowed visibly. "Yeah. Man, it sounds stupid when I say it out loud."

Sabine wrinkled her nose. "A little bit, yeah."

"Sorry." He took a step backwards. "I'll let you get back to waiting."

"I do hope I'm not interrupting anything." They both turned in time to see Grand Admiral Thrawn step into the docking bay, flanked by four stormtroopers. The trooper who had been talking with Sabine took another step back, snapping into a salute. Thrawn didn't spare him a glance, instead coming to a stop a few paces in front of Sabine. "The savior of Clan Wren, if I'm not mistaken."

She ducked her head, hoping the brim of her cap would conceal her face. "I don't know what you're talking about, sir." Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a door slide open, and Ezra, Kallus, and Lieutenant Lyste stepped into the hangar bay.

"I've heard a great deal about you." Thrawn motioned one of his men forward. She saw Ezra and Kallus duck behind a TIE fighter, and Ezra reappear a moment later to drag Lyste after them, and then the cap was flicked from her head. Her purple-and-white hair cascaded around her face, and she stared defiantly into the Grand Admiral's unsettling red eyes. "I see," he said slowly, "I was not misinformed."

To her confusion, he appeared to be staring at her hair.

…

"Great," Ezra hissed, risking another peek around the TIE. "Thrawn knows."

"Pardon my curiosity," Lyste ventured in a stage whisper, "but why are we hiding?"

Ezra glanced at Kallus, who by this time was limping heavily. They could try to make a run for it, but he doubted the double agent would be able to outstrip the stormtroopers in his current condition. "Well, the thing is—"

" _Ezra!"_

He straightened at Sabine's shout, poked his head uncertainly around the tie. To his consternation, she was looking straight at him, waving him over, even. None of the stormtroopers seemed to have their weapons aimed at her, but he could only assume Thrawn was threatening her in some way. Motioning for Kallus and Lyste to stay hidden, he stepped into the open. As he did, he heard Lyste mutter, "Ezra? But you said your name was Brizra Edger."

He kept his hands in the air, but the Force had begun to tingle at the edges of his fingertips as he strode towards Thrawn. "What's going on over here, guys?"

Sabine shrugged as he stopped next to her. "I've made a deal."

"Yes." The Grand Admiral's voice possessed a disconcertingly smooth quality. "The two of you will be allowed to take your craft and leave my vessel in safety. But first, your friend is going to put her skills to use on my behalf."

Ezra shot Sabine a glance. "You're going to do a job for _Thrawn?"_

"Relax," she shot back. "Ready when you are, Grand Admiral."

…

It took nearly two hours, but at last her work was done. Sabine stepped back, the pale light of Grand Admiral Thrawn's office accentuated the red stains on her gloves. "Satisfied?"

Thrawn lifted a mirror, examining himself. His formerly blue-black hair was now a crisp red, with the faintest hint of oranges on the underside. The style was more daring as well, combed forward and to the side in a smooth curve. "Excellently done. I commend you, Sabine Wren. You are a true artist."

"Don't forget to leave a review." Sabine peeled off the dye-stained gloves, and tossed them into a waste receptacle. "Now, about our deal."

"I shall honor it." The Grand Admiral rose, setting the mirror aside and stripping off the barber's sheet he had worn throughout the operation. From the corner, Ezra, face still scrunched in something between terror, disgust, and deep confusion, mouthed the words _What just happened?_ "Troopers, see to it that Miss Wren and her companion are escorted safely to her ship. Make no attempt to intercept her as she departs."

One of the stormtroopers saluted. "Yes sir." The two rebels were led without incident down to the hangar bay, where their escort split off, returning to their duties.

"Karabast," Ezra hissed, hesitating on the gangplank.

Sabine glanced over her shoulder. "What?"

"I left Kallus hiding behind the TIE! Besides, you negotiated for our safety with Thrawn, not for his."

She rolled her eyes. "It's already been taken care of. I even got gift-wrapping."

Ezra turned in time to see Lieutenant Lyste and a stormtrooper half-helping, half-carrying Kallus. The boy ran to them, looped Kallus' arm around his own neck, and dragged him inside. Lyste stepped back, glancing up at Sabine. "Make sure Edger puts in a good word for me with his uncle."

"Will do." She glanced at the other man. "Thanks, trooper."

"Sure thing. My pleasure. Yeah." She disappeared inside the ship before he could say any more. He took a step back as the engines flared to life, waving uncertainly. "And, err, my name is Clem!"

Ezra stepped into the cockpit, wiping his hands on his trousers. "Well, I've got our friend safely stowed. I thought you were joking about the gift-wrapping."

"I took it from the Grand Admiral's office," she explained. "It's the perfect color, too. It'll compliment his hair and complexion perfectly."

"Do… do you think Thrawn knew?"

"I expect so. He's probably playing some long game we won't learn about for months." She shrugged. "Still. We got what we came for."

"Yeah." Ezra stretched, then hoisted the roll of wrapping over one shoulder. "Well, I'd better get to work. Tell me when we're coming in."

"Will do." Sabine waved absently, her attention fixed on navigating safely out of the _Chimera's_ docking bay.

The sun was setting over the rebel base by the time the _Phantom_ touched down. Kanan, Zeb, Chopper and Hera were waiting for them on the tarmac. The green-skinned Twi'lek had her arms crossed, and her tapping foot and tight mouth suggested her mood was less than sunny. "I hope the two of you have a very good explanation for where you've been today. And for why the Emperor's face is painted on the nose of my ship."

"We kind of do?" Sabine managed, glancing over her shoulder. Ezra appeared from inside the ship, wheeling something on a dolly. It was a lumpy, dark-blue-and-yellow package, sloppily tied with tawny ribbon. Poking out of the top was…

"Kallus?" The others said in unison. Chopper burbled something that could reasonably be assumed to be an equivalent exclamation.

"Happy birthday, Zeb!" Ezra called. "We got you a friend!"

Kallus, tired and bruised and very, very confused, nonetheless managed to grin up at the befuddled Lasat. "Surprise?"


End file.
